


All or Nothing

by WayAndWinchester



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depressed Louis, M/M, Oops, Suicide, my baby Louis I just, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-04-01 16:48:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4027423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WayAndWinchester/pseuds/WayAndWinchester





	All or Nothing

Louis is finally done. He's too... Tired? Tired is the most accurate description. He's been through too much, at long last. For three years he put up with it, he ignored it. He kept pushing through, but he's finally had enough. He's got a fake girlfriend, he can't flirt with Harry. Harry had once came up to him, looking like a kicked puppy, under the impression that Louis might hate him. His little sister, Lottie, phoned him up crying because a comment Management had made through her account. He still put up with it. He reassured everyone, cracked a few jokes, moved on. He has always been able to cheer anyone up.

Louis Tomlinson, now there's a lad to go to if you're sad. Louis Tomlinson can make anyone crack a smile. But, then who cheers Louis up? The fans don't notice, not really. Recently they had been panicking because Louis' lost weight, but he grinned and lied. He made out that it's because he's doing more exercise; no, he's fine, nothing to worry about, really! There's everything to worry about. He's slowly been eating less and less. Now all he eats all day is an apple when he's with the boys or in public, giving the impression that he's eating and is perfectly fine. He needs his image to stay intact, it's all he has left.

Harry avoids him. Niall has stopped hanging out with him (though that's because he's worried about Harry isolating himself, he thought Louis knew that). Liam is fine with him and they have some hilarious banter but... Liam has Sophia. Liam would rather spend time with her, the love of his life, than any of the boys. Now Zayn's left. Zayn was the only one who would hang out with Louis no matter what. If Louis was lonely, he could go to Zayn. Sure, they got in trouble for the weed video, but it was fun. Zayn once dropped Perrie for Louis. The two had grown as close as two friends could get. Then Zayn left.

Lottie still talks to Louis, but in person she's reserved. It's because of the homophobic comments; Louis knows she blames him. Even his mum has been acting different with him. The twins were perfectly normal with Louis, adoring him and showering him with irritating attention as usual. Louis' throat restricts every time he remembers his mum trying to keep them away from him. As though it's his fault or as if he'll corrupt them. He hasn't been home to see his family for a whole year. He misses them like crazy but feels shunned. Disowned. Hated.

No one hates Louis more than he hates himself. Not even the 'haters' hate Louis as much as Louis. Louis reads the hate and could laugh. Yes, he thinks they're right. He doesn't think they're mean enough. He actually thinks they're soft. 'You are ugly, go die', Louis read with a snort. He's thought harsher things about himself while happiest. It's not a good thing and the fact that Louis can laugh at his own hate for himself is clearly a bad sign. He sometimes makes self-deprecating jokes, but no one notices the underlying honesty beneath the words. Louis despises himself. His home, that management had gotten him to force him out the flat he shared with Harry, has no mirrors. There's no reflective surface. He lives off an apple a day, he doesn't need to use his kitchen. He doesn't even see himself in cutlery.

But Louis is tired. It's all become too much. His family hate him. Eleanor only spends time with him because she's paid to. Zayn's gone. Harry won't talk to him. Management are still breathing down his neck. Louis hates himself...

He can't see a future. He can only see more of the same. What about the next contract, in a years time? Quit then? But then One Direction would break up. That's Harry, Niall and Liam's dreams down the drain. So he can't just quit. Two members quitting would clearly make management think about either replacing them- someone better than Louis, but anyone would do for that- or disbanding the group. Louis can't do that to the other three, he just can't. They've struggled enough with Zayn gone, never mind the impact of him leaving too. So he has to leave a different way.

Louis' eyes fall on the bottle of pills, sat on the coffee table in front of him, reaching distance from where he's sat on the living room couch. He had bought the pills that morning, feeling his throat aching in the indication that one of his common little sickness bugs are coming back. He had run out of the correct medication, which is why he'd gone to get more. Then, pulling his laptop from the couch beside him, he does some research. He doesn't want to be a vegetable or revived, that would contradict the point. With the pills in front of him, he won't. They'll definitely...

Then Louis realises what he's actually thinking about doing. He's actually thinking about killing himself and not in an 'oh I should die' way, offhand, like usual. He never really meant it when he thinks about it. He does this time. He picks up the bottle, expression blank. He thinks hard because, really, he can't do this and not be certain. He can't. He needs to know how he really feels about this. He thinks hard about his future, about his opportunities. His life. His past. Everything. He'd be throwing it all away.

Could he? Could he really do that? Leave Harry with unanswered questions, his family confused and heartbroken, Zayn regretful? Louis then laughs, hysterically. Like they care, Louis sneers. Harry never loved him, they were just friends. His family abandoned him when he needed them most. Zayn left him and mocked him online, in front of the fandom. Management want to ruin his life. Eleanor won't even bat one of pretty little eyelashes. The only ones who would actually notice or care are the tiny amount of fans who truly love Louis.

Louis loves his fans, he really does. The 'Louis girls' are what kept Louis going, despite everything; despite his world falling apart. They love Louis and Louis loves them. He has actually tried to read some of the fanfictions sent to him, trying his best, because they all try so hard for him. They're his fans and if they spent time on it, he'll appreciate it. He can't leave then without a note of some sort. But if he wrote a note about his feelings for Harry, Management would hide it. They wouldn't let anyone see it. So it can't be written. It can't be a tweet either because tweets can be deleted. So can videos. So it needs to be live.

A twitcam. Perfect. It barely takes him ten seconds to pull the page and sign in, the familiarity making him smile slightly. He gulps, looking at himself on the screen. He's pale, eyes red rimmed from lack of sleep and hair messy, dishevelled. He doesn't care. He doesn't even care that the scratches on his shoulders that he had done to himself are visible. He sends a tweet out, announcing the twitcam and goes live. He smiles weakly, greeting the fans and waiting for the numbers to raise. As they raise, he notices his eyes are watering. He's going to cry, but he- again- doesn't care. These are his fans. They can see him like this.

He's too tired.

"Ok, um, let's get started," Louis half smirks, looking directly at the little camera on his laptop. "One of you better record this before management say no, no."

Instantly, the comments fill up with promises that they're recording or about to start recording, others worried and wondering what's the matter. Louis feels his eyes burn, a smile tugging at his lips. This is his family. These are the people who really, truly love him. Not anyone else.

"I wanted to tell you guys some things," Louis explains, forcing himself to be steady. "I didn't want to do anything without you knowing why. You guys mean a lot to me because I know that you care. No one else really does." Louis' voice breaks, but he doesn't care. "I love you guys more than my own life and I would take a bullet for any of you. I mean, metaphorically, I am right now. By doing this, that is." Louis doesn't look at the comments. He needs to do this. "Ok, well, all or nothing right?" Louis chuckles weakly. He clears his throat. "I love Harry; always have, always will."

He can't not look at the comments now. They're all positive and all freaking out. They're all excited and thrilled and... They're under the wrong impression. Louis can feel tears leaking now, flowing freely. He stares at the comments, blankly crying, as he talks.

"We're not together," Louis states. He nearly winces at the lack of emotion in his voice. "We never were. Now we never will be. It doesn't matter; none of it does." He sniffs, nose disgustingly snotty. "I had to tell you before..." His throat seizes up and he has to pause.

He looks away from the screen, forcing himself to be strong. For the fans. Do this for the fans. Anything and everything for the fans. All or nothing. All or nothing. All or nothing.

"I'm not going to be in the band anymore," Louis forces out, still unable to look at the comments and disgusted by the little box showing himself. He looks directly at the camera, crying like a fucking baby. "I'm not going to be doing much of anything really. I mean, if my family can't stand me and my best friend pays thousands to get out our band, away from me..." Louis trails off, the thought too painful. He laughs at himself. "I can't to this guys, I can't. It's too much. Its too painful." He's sobbing now, but he ploughs on anyway. All or nothing. "I'm sorry for doing this. I'm sorry if I upset any of you. I'm sorry. I love you all so much, but I can't. I'm sorry."

He has to pause, sobbing rather violently. It doesn't take him long to gather himself again.

"This is my note, I guess." Louis says, voice weak; strained. "There's nothing her for me anymore. I'm not important. I'm a waste of space. So this is it, I guess. Bye, guys. Thank you."

The comments are full of people begging, pleading, capitalising; anything to try and get him to stop. He ignores them. He stops the twitcam, turning the laptop off for good measure. He doesn't want there to any technical malfunction or anything. No one needs to see this part.

¤ ¤ ¤

Harry's face hurts from laughing so much, having just gotten back from hanging out with Niall. It's not the same as hanging out with Louis, but Niall can be funny too. Harry is happier than he's been in months, the pain of Louis' rejections having been too much. He's dealing. Louis' happy, so he can be happy for him.

Harry decides to check Twitter. On a whim. That's all, just a stupid whim that he decides to follow. He goes on Twitter, frowning when he realises that everyone in his mentions are in fully-fledged panic. Something about Louis. Something about crying. One of them says he's talking suicidal and Harry is panicking. He goes onto Louis' Twitter, following the twitcam link and his heart stops. He can barely breathe.

Louis is pale, sickly looking. There are tears streaming down his face. He looks like a broken shell of what Harry had thought him to be. He's in agony, Harry thinks blankly. How had he not noticed? It's Louis. The light and soul of the band; the one who holds them together with jokes and smiles. They hadn't noticed their centre breaking apart.

"This is my note, I guess."

Harry stops breathing for a moment, his head swimming and black spots appearing in his vision. No. No, not Louis. Harry grabs the nearest stable surface for support- the kitchen side. His breathing is sped up, eyes wide and panic flooding through him in a way it never has before.

"There's nothing here for me anymore. I'm not important."

Louis. Louis is the one talking. Harry can't believe it- doesn't want to. He can't... No. Harry stumbles around the kitchen side, pausing to catch his breath. His head is still spinning and he can't stand up right.

"I'm a waste of space."

Move, Harry demands of himself. Fucking move! Go! Get to him! Get to Louis! Move!

"This is it, I guess."

No, no, no, no, no; that's all that's going through Harry's head. He can't think properly, he just knows he had to get to Louis. He needs to save him. He has to get to Louis. He needs to get there right now, damn it.

"Bye, guys. Thank you." The words follow Harry as he stumbles out the front door. Harry doesn't care that his laptop is on or that his front door is wide open. One of the elderly ladies that live nearby try to call him back, but Harry doesn't spare her a glance. He needs to get to his car; he needs to get to Louis.

It's too far. The drive, even when speeding, is too long. Harry get's out the car, leaving the keys in the ignition and door open. He doesn't care- it doesn't matter. He needs to get to Louis. His fingers are numb as he pulls out his phone, dialling 999. He stutters, but eventually gets the words out. The woman promises an ambulance will be there in six minutes.

Harry knows where the spare key is. Harry knows Louis. He stumbles into house, before freezing. It feels like his ribs have broken, stabbing into his heart. Louis is strewn out on the sofa. The pill bottle is empty and a glass smashed on the floor, a small puddle of water around it. Louis' eyes are blank, dead. Harry roughly pulls him up, acting on impulse. He shoves his fingers down Louis' throat, only daring to breathe when Louis starts to choke. He's alive. Of thank fuck, Harry thinks; he's alive. Louis throws up, sobbing as he does so. He moans, shaking his head and trying to push Harry away. Harry doesn't let him. He holds Louis against him, not caring when vomit goes all over his jeans. They're both crying.

The paramedics rush in, having to practically drag Louis to the ambulance. Harry follows numbly. They call him a hero. He saved Louis' life.

Louis looks at Harry with sad eyes, the question clear in his expression. Why? Why had Harry saved him? It's not a thankful question. Louis wishes Harry had left him there. He regrets making the twitcam. If he hadn't, Harry wouldn't have found out. He'd be dead.

If Harry could bring himself to say it, the answer is easy; simple.

'Because I love you.'


End file.
